Marriage Series: Unhappy and tired (Part II)

I know. I get it. So many of you are just tired. We are tired from so many different reasons and situations in your marriage. You could be tired from all the endless fussing and fighting, tired of the accusations being thrown around in your household, tired from working so many hours and/or jobs when not enough money is coming in the household, tired of disciplining the children, battling with the in-laws. Man, this list can go on and on and on. I can’t break each one of these down in a single blog but how about we just discuss one type of tiredness.

Many of us are unhappy because we are tired of doing every damn thing! Well, at least that’s what it feels like. I’m not one to sugar coat, so let’s call it like it is. Someone isn’t pulling their weight around this muthaf@#@$#>! Oops, not that real. Let me say that a tad bit nicer (just in case I decide to quote a scripture later). Someone isn’t pulling their weight around the house meaning, one spouse feels used and undervalued and overworked. And 9 times out of 10, this is me. I MEAN the wife or the mother (not me…I was typing to fast and got excited).

Let’s pause for a moment and discuss this world we live in. There is a such thing as culture and cultural eras that have occurred decades ago that still have remnants hanging around in our households. So there was a time when men worked and women stayed home. Ok cool. Then along the way, men were drafted for war which caused many women to work outside the households. Yet while the men were away, she often had to work and take care of all household needs. Ok bet. Just a LITTLE history on how we’ve transitioned over time.

Long story short, we are still working! YET! Many still believe its the woman’s job to take care of the needs of the household. Many of us hold down full-time demanding jobs AND are coming home to our 2nd job of taking care of the home (cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, getting the kids ready for the next day, etc). And the kids have agendas now with their many activities. All of this going on and she is just tired. And this is a HUGE issue for many households. Someone (often the women folk) is complaining about the duties that are disproportionately fulfilled.

If you ask me, this can be viewed as a generational curse. Something that haunts us from our ancestors. Something passed down from grandmomma and ‘nem. And if you ask me…both of yall guilty of allowing these curses to remain in your households! These curses plague us ALL (wives and husbands). There is 2 parts to this: the teachings of the curse and the habit of the curse. You don’t believe me? Let me break it down.

We often learn how to operate in our households from what we either witnessed growing up or what we idolized growing up (neighbors, other family, or even television). And believe it or not, our character is and can be inherited. Watch your kids closely for proof. But I want to stay on the part where we picked up these things from our elders.

Our mamas taught us (both of us) how things are supposed to be ran. Mommy cooked. So wifey, you think you are supposed to be the chef. And guess what, the husband believes this too. Mama took care of all the sick kids. So wifey, you automatically took on this role and husband allowed you because that’s what he saw too. Mama washed the dishes and cleaned while daddy cut the grass and trimmed the bushes, so on and so forth. We both are repeating what we either saw or what we heard.

Ok stay with me. Still today, in the back of our minds, we often do these same things or denounce certain household tasks because of what we saw growing up or what we were lead to believe. But if truth be told, when duties are discussed…when communication is welcomed in our homes, we can decide how things will operate. But too often, we assume roles and then expect the other person to do something other than what you two unconsciously agreed to.

This is what we all must understand. How we operate in our house is learned and it becomes habitual. Growing up, I washed dishes. I thought it was a woman’s job (I sure did). After I got married, I assumed that duty. We briefly discussed duties and when I say brief, I mean brief. And it resembled exactly what we thought (learned) should go on in the house. He took the “outside” duties and I took those “inside” duties of the home. And that was that. We knew no other way to do it. Along the way, we had to discuss things and come to other agreements especially when the kids came along. But overall, he had his to do list and I had mines.

But how many couples reassess their arrangements and make changes as they go? And how often have we denied help with “our” assumed chores? Raise your hand (I’m trying to see something). Ladies, no man will automatically take care of a sick child if your way is the only way to do it. Sorry, but I only have my perspective. I can speak good on the shit that we do (ok so no scriptures today). No man will wash dishes if you will complain about the way he accomplishes it. Listen! I had to teach my mouth how to STFU cus half the time my husband ain’t wiping nothing down after he washes dishes. Washing the dishes was his ONE job. To him that’s cleaning the kitchen. And I look the other way as I went to have my seat.

Oh and here is another thing. It’s often said that we shouldn’t thank a man for doing something he should be doing anyway. He messed up dishes too, they say. Listen, if its not your habit to do something, doesn’t it help when someone gives you a compliment or encourages you? If we can dish a nag, we should be able to dish out a compliment. Okkkuurrrrr. I’m not going to thank my man every time he does something but if I want him to do it again, the first few times thats the least I can do.

Thank you all for your attention. This was a HARD blog mainly because there were so many rabbit holes I could’ve taken. So many tentacles to this discussion. But I will keep this series going. Maybe next week I can discuss how we can better communicate what we want. So many things I can discuss briefly in a post. But this is something we get to discuss in great details face-to-face. If you don’t know us, James and I host an annual marriage retreat. Check out the details. Consider joining us.

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