I’m in a constant battle. Fortunately not with people, but unfortunately it’s within me. I’m in constant battle with the inner me. You see there are two sides of me. Wait. If you are feeling some type of way right now, let me make this perfectly clear. There are TWO sides to you too BEEP. Yep, whatever word came to you, that’s the one I said. Which confirms to the both of us, we are all double sided tape. One side smooth. One side…sticky.

Now. Let me start again. Since I can’t talk about you, let me talk about me. I was raised most of my life a street over from the corner of MLK and Medgar Evers. Imagine that. But it was home for me. And I loved that life, just like I love my life now. I was blessed then and I’m blessed now. Each side has taught me many things and I take nothing for this journey. But one thing I’m very cognizant of is that, my prior years taught me how to survive with the best of them.

I don’t know if it was my upbringing, societal factors, or social economics that affected me most. Maybe its a combination of all of those things that leads to our self-being, our personalities, our character, or lack thereof. Recently I’ve been introduced to the concept of cycles of sin that runs in our families. For instance, have you ever known of a particular sin that has existed within some families that seems to follow them throughout generations. Maybe the great granddaddy had a drinking problem that your dad struggled with and now you can’t seem to get a handle on. If you aren’t careful, if you can’t break that cycle, watch out as it’ll keep going through your kids.

Maybe those cyclic things aren’t your cup of tea. That’s fine but I’d caution you because there are things our ancestors passed along to us rather you believe it or not. But I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. Sometimes I wonder what has happened in my family history that causes this level of anger within me that sometimes I can’t control. And if I’m being honest, I’m scared of that bi###. No lie.

Yall, all my life, I’ve worked overtime suppressing her. Anger has a way of boiling up in me. I have to stay on my toes. I have to be aware of those feelings and the things that push me over the edge. But here’s the thing that’s so funny. I’m super naive about things. Someone can step on my toes and in my head, they didn’t mean to. I’m super nice and considerate of other people. I don’t get offended about much. I’m so for real. People can try to offend me and it doesn’t work. I often miss the offenses. I don’t wear my feelings on my shoulder. YET…ever so often, something can piss me off beyond control.

Those are the times I really have to search within. Those are the times I’m mindful of my words. I’m mindful of my thoughts. I’m cautious of what I say next. You know, just let me walk away.

The most recent example that came to mind is this experience out of town at a hotel (like yesterday). My hotel key wouldn’t work so I patiently waited in line for the next receptionist to assist me. My daughter was hungry so I was hoping they would hurry so I could get her seated in their restaurant. After about 5-6 minutes, I’m up next. With license in my hand, I explained my situation. Before he denied me access, I handed over my ID. His next statements, as simple as they were, shook me to my core. It be simple shit like this yall. He stated, “the room belongs to James.” Then he asked, “Is he around? Can you call him?” As I stared at him as if he had two heads, he continued as he watched the disbelief on my face as I uttered, “no.” You see, I knew James was busy. He wasn’t available to talk. This I knew. No need in calling him. And why should I call him, is all I was thinking. Didn’t I just hand you a key???

Those were my thoughts. But I couldn’t say that out loud because I’m sure I wasn’t going to like his responses. He continued, “due to security purposes, I can’t give you a key.” What do you think I said to this? Wrong. I simple held my hand out and asked for my key back. He wasn’t giving me a key. I’d given him a key that was programmed to our room, the one I was sharing with my husband and kids. If I were a stalker, please help me understand how I’d gotten a key? Sigh

All of these things were running through my head. This dude doesn’t know James’ voice. So what the hell does calling him do? Nothing! It does absolutely nothing! The security process was stupid. I had questions. But I also had an attitude. I also know me and I can struggle real bad when my attitude is let loose. So it was best that I thought about my daughter standing next to me that I don’t get out of character. Turning away from being mom is always the wrong choice because who knows how far left I would go.

You see, I have another person that lives within me that sometimes I lose control of and things can go too far. And guess what, we live in a world of many people just like me. There are also people that are constantly ruled by this dark side that resides within. Sadly, this pandemic has sparked this side within us all…at some point. Just think about it. I’m sure it has. Don’t judge me. Judge yourself.

And what if those two people meet. Humm just what if my other side meets your other side? Who wins? Nobody. That’s who. And far too often nowadays…we are all losing.

Thanks for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

Competition of 1