Last week, I started discussing how our “Model Homes” had such an effect on our marriages especially in the beginning. The leading question is this: Do you agree that the behaviors and beliefs modeled in front of us dictated how we established our own households? If you haven’t read that blog, please visit it prior to starting this one so you get the entire concept expressed.

Recall my mom was the dominate one in my household growing up and my father-in-law was the dominate in my husband’s home. So, believe it or not, day 1 of living as husband and wife (meaning after we made it home from the honeymoon), my mom showed up and introduced herself to his daddy. Let the fun begin…

In hindsight, I think I was in the wrong. Well, maybe not for real because at that time, I had no clue that she had surfaced. All I knew was that there were many things I hadn’t brought to his attention while dating. Yet, it was time to bring them up. Why do WE do that? And yes, WE all do that. It took me a long time to realize that a part of me was “insecure” (if that’s the correct word to use) just a little bit that if I nagged about too much that he would deem me as too much of a hassle and be OUT.

Surely we aren’t insecure in our relationships. But I think there is a part of us that doesn’t want to scare the other person off or make them too mad that they give up on us too soon. So we hold in a lot meaning we don’t always express ourselves like we really want to sometimes. Those same gestures/behaviors/habits/whatever were very well present during the dating phase and engagement. But often times, we ignore them for varying reasons. One reason being not wanting to push them away.

So…now that the rings are on, the dinner was eaten, pictures taken, broom jumped…time to unleash all of those emotions and thoughts we held in. Granted, we don’t do this immediately but they slowly emerge unto the scene. To be honest, I don’t think we do this intentionally. We simple get relaxed in our new roles and comfortable with knowing that our spouse won’t “break-up” with us so easily as if we were simply dating.

In being my mom, or expressing her character, I wanted control initially. Combine that with the ambitious part of me, I wanted structure. I started making decisions and setting schedules for not just me but for both of us and James Redmon wasn’t having that. Honestly, I’m glad the James Sr side of him stood up or else Barbara would’ve ran rampant through our relationship. It wasn’t easy in the beginning but I eventually got to the point where I knew that wasn’t working. Hell he started intentionally doing things to let me know I wasn’t in charge too.

Y’all it got real ugly there for a minute. We went back and forth and forth and back trying to stand up our models and win our turf. Me being me (or my mom) and him being him (his dad), it would get real ugly before it got better. We argued continuously. I was labeled as a nagging wife and under my breath he was a ‘punk ass’ that didn’t deserve me.

It would be a long time and a lot of hurt before we realized we were supposed to be a team and not enemies. It was a long time and took some counseling before we gained the ability to discuss who we were to our core and talk through how we wanted to run our homes. Which sides of our models we liked that the other could stomach. You see there is nothing wrong with having models. It’s a good thing when used correctly. It’s a blessing to have models when you can decipher where they end and where the true you begins.

Once these boundaries are set…you are well on your way to having a great marriage. But how do you get there? Well…that’s a long story too. A blog can’t hold it. But (shameless plug) a retreat can. 🙂

Have you heard about our marriage retreat? This year we are hosting our 3rd annual marriage retreat. Check us out. www.fightingformarriages.com

Thanks for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

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