If you ever overhear a conversation about marriage today being compared to ‘back in the day;’ they often claim that today, we divorce too quickly over anything. Surely they aren’t talking about back in the day when daddy had outside kids roaming the neighborhood and everyone knew it. Surely that’s not the back in the day they are referring to and encouraging us to go back to.

Well…of course not. No one is encouraging us to stay in toxic situations. I’m definitely not supporting abusive relationships or those where a spouse has determined they don’t want to be married (hardened heart). Fighting for marriage deals with helping individuals that want to be married but can’t see past the fog. The fog of every day life of just trying to get alone and to cohabitate in one space.

This fog as I call it is often why many of us divorce. Our visions are blurred from the day to day marital transactions. Vision doesn’t get blurry over night. It usually happens over time. We are fighting over common courtesies of household duties or family functions. We are having selfish financial discussions, family dynamic disagreements, and clashing of personal convictions. This fog allows divorce to become attractive.

Through the haze, we began to notice our neighbors. We become a witness to all of the great marriages around us; so we think. His wife cooks for him all the time. His wife is pretty or she is still fine after having kids. His wife works out. His wife is just so nice and pleasant. Hell she smiles when I speak. Seems like all of the other wives are nice now that you step back and think about it more. Yours is so argumentative and borderline disrespectful. His wife works a full-time job and takes care of their house without complaining. You must have married the wrong woman.

Through the haze, we start to make comparisons. Her husband fixes stuff around their house. Her husband opens doors for her. He takes her car and fills it up on Sunday evenings for the week. That is so sweet. He takes his wife on occasional dates. He even takes pictures of their outings and posts on his social media pages. My husband never even mentions me on his Facebook page. Her husband spends time with their kids. He picks them up from school. Her husband even helps her with the housework. And why do I have to ask for help? He eats and messes up and lives in this house like the rest of us. Sigh. You must have married the wrong man.

Divorce is so attractive when the fog leads you to believe that you are missing out on something. It’s real attractive when it looks like everyone around you are happy except for you. Divorce is definitely an option when everyone agrees that it is.

Your friends think you have it together. You are the man to them. But when you are around them and their wives, you don’t feel like you have it together. That’s fog. Everyone thinks you are so independent, makes all the correct decisions, and have it all. But when you are among your couple friends, you feel like you have the shorter end of the stick, feels like you are slacking in that area. That’s fog.

My question is simple. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we automatically assume someone has it better than us? Did they tell you their life was better? I mean why does these assumptions take control. These images have the tendency to invade our imaginations daily. No matter how your head knows you have a great husband or wife, we allow these imagines to dilute everything they stand for.

I know this for a fact. I’m thankful that I’ve gotten beyond this fog but there were definitely times in our early years, I thought highly of my friends and their marriages. You couldn’t pay me to believe my husband was a jewel. I discussed it within my memoir how it took an adult sleepover with other women for me to realize that what I was feeling was normal. Prior to that, I felt like a failure in my marriage.

Prior to that…divorce was attractive. I can simply go back to feeling in control. I was often described as being independent and smart. I can be that girl again. Not letting a man get me down. I’m Nakia, DAMMIT. I can do bad all by myself. This whole time not realizing, those that I envied where having these same feelings. But it would be years later before discovering this because I was too ashamed to tell anyone that I wasn’t as happy as they thought I was.

Even though in hindsight, I was making things bigger than what they were; I was just waiting for the moment my husband did something substantial. Then I’d have him corner. I’d have my reason to leave him because it wasn’t worth the hassle and the pain to work through it. It was the easy route (leaving instead of working). Divorce was just that attractive.

Thanks for your attention.

Breaking down these feelings and making our realities less foggy is a major part of the marriage retreat we host. If you don’t know about the retreat, check it out at www.fightingformarriages.com

Often times this fog distorts the true picture. Join us.

Thanks for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

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