Do you know someone who is married that gives the appearance of being under complete control by their spouse? I’m not referring to a person that doesn’t go out anymore or not as much as they’d like or you’d like. Shoot, I don’t want to go out every week like I once did when I was single.

Priorities and lifestyles change tremendously once the dynamics change in relationships for many different reasons. For James and I, having kids changed our family dynamics and how much we entertain out with our friends. To be honest about it, we started getting sleepy too early so going out appeared less desirable. Sleep became the next best thing.

I’m close to being 40 years old and going to the club hasn’t been my thing to do for a long time. But I still enjoy occasional girls night outs, birthday parties/dinners, house gatherings, game nights, etc. So depending on the age of the couple, what they enjoy doing will be different.

But there are still some married people that are not able to enjoy the things they like to do, at least occasionally. Slowly but surely they distant themselves from the the things they love and even from their family. We all know someone that has to get permission to go out and enjoy themselves. I’m not talking about informing or checking with your spouse to make sure there are no family conflicts in the schedule. I’m referring to asking and justifying the need to go out and waiting on a decision from a spouse resembling a parent/child relationship.

I know, chances are you think this could never happen to you and that person is dumb for allowing it. You may question why they married such a controlling person. Well let me share how controlling can sometimes sneak it’s way into a relationship. The signs may have been there but it could’ve been really subtle as well. And it can happen to anyone.

Here is my simple example of gaining ones control or changing someone’s behavior over time. During our dating phase, it was nothing for James and I to go to a bar and enjoy alcoholic beverages with one another. Well within our first year of marriage, James decided he wanted to stop “drinking.” Key message: HE decided HE didn’t want to drink.

So if you ask me, his decision had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t even something we discussed. He just mentioned one day that he was going to stop drinking. Ok cool. “Do you” is what I thought. I recall us being out of town getting dinner at a local restaurant. I asked the waiter for the drink menu and James said, “You don’t need nothing to drink.”

In my head, I knew this was coming and I was prepared. I agreed with him that I didn’t need a drink but I wanted a drink.

James: I’m not buying you a drink.

Me: I can pay for my own drink. (Orders the first thing I saw…sigh)

At that moment, I didn’t even see a drink I liked but I was going to order something off of that darn menu. And I did exactly that. I knew at that moment had I agreed with him and didn’t order one, the next time I desired a drink, I would’ve subconsciously replayed that moment in my head knowing James didn’t want me to and sadly I would’ve denied yet another drink. Over time I would’ve denied all drinks at least while in his presence.

So there…no more drinks for me because my husband decided we weren’t going to drink anymore. And that is how it begins so easily. It doesn’t have to be alcoholic drinks. The first time he or she says, “you don’t need to go out, there is nothing out there,” or “why do we have to go see your family during the holidays, I prefer to stay home,” or “why are your friends always over here, I don’t like coming home to visitors all the time.”

Slowly but surely…we begin to honor these small requests just THIS time, right? It’s ok to not go out this time. I understand wanting to come home to peace and quiet this time. And traveling each holiday when they can clearly come to us. I get what they are saying THIS time.

And you look up and life has just changed. You no longer get to enjoy the things you enjoy because the stage has been set. Girl or guy nights out don’t include you because you don’t want to argue with your spouse. Friends can’t visit anymore. You all of a sudden just like to chill to yourself. And you are still waiting on your family to convince everyone to ditch the tradition of going to grandma’s house and to ride to visit you for Thanksgiving.

My only advice is this, if this is you, you’ve allowed this pattern to happen in your household, it’s not too late to change. Know what you want and have a conversation with your spouse about it. And if they buck at you and want to argue about it, put your foot down. Join your friends for one evening out or whatever it is that you’ve denied yourself freedom to do. Don’t allow your marriage to become a life prison sentence.

I’m not saying that you always have to do one thing or the other. But what I am saying is that, compromise is in order.

Have that drink!

Thanks for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

Competitionof1