I’m not one to waste tears. I can’t stand being emotional about anything. There is a difference in sad situations or tear jerking moments. Like when watching a movie and someone passes away or if there is a super sweet moment that draws girlie tears or when a dog or favorite pet gets lost and you have an inconsolable kid. I’m ok with all of that. Those don’t count.

Moments like those get to the best of us. We get emotional because they (the actors) are emotional. Maybe this is a girl thing, I don’t know. I do know this sense of sadness only got worse after I had kids. I’m convinced there is a gland somewhere down there that during child birth, the baby hits on the way out causing us women to cry at a drop of a hat. There was a time when this was totally not normal yet so normal to me now. Just crying for no reason y’all.

Yet, this is not what I’m referring to here. When I say I hate crying, I hate when I’m personally hurt or helpless even. To be hurt means someone has hurt your feelings. As an adult, this isn’t common so when this is felt for me, it’s like they have hurt my whole soul with their actions, their words, or the outcome of a situation. That level of hurt…hurts. It hits different at this stage of my life.

Feeling helpless can be felt when you feel like life has backed you into a corner and you can’t seem to find your way out. Maybe like being in a hopeless situation. A situation where the whole family is affected. A job loss and you can’t make ends meet. Rent is due. Foreclosure is on the horizon. Not going to work is an option. Daycare fees still owed. School tuition is due. Financial issues have a way of making someone feel hopeless. Tears may flow…

Helpless times can also exist when the ability to make the decision is taken from you. You are in a tough spot. Political ramifications are involved. Make the wrong move and it could cost you. It could cost you more than you may realize. Tears at the bottom of your gut.

Or how about those times when you want to slap the taste out of someone’s mouth! They’ve done something to betray you. Stabbed you in the back. This is the spectrum of helplessness that has you PISSED beyond control. You could be at church or work, places where you have to keep your composure. The punishment they deserve, you can’t give them. And this is where the emotions arise. You want to fight! But you can’t…so the tears stay in the back of your eyes.

This is where I absolutely HATE to cry. I want to get even. I want to bite back. I want to give them exactly what they are begging for…a good ole… You know what I’m talking about. What I want to do, I can’t. I have to be the bigger person. I’m sick of being the bigger person! Can’t let them see me sweat. Can’t show my tears of frustration or else I’d be considered weak. I can’t do it.

Since I hate crying, I often suppress my hurt and helplessness. I don’t show my hand. I’m married. My husband is my best friend. Yet, I can’t show him either. I don’t know why, but I can’t.

I’ve felt this way many times, but I suppressed it. In my personal and professional life, I’ve been taken to this point of hurt and helplessness like us all. No one escapes this. But about a month ago, it all came out. I can’t even remember what took me there. I just recall my husband saying something to me. It may have been harmless but it seems like I attached it to something that I’d suppressed. And I lost it.

I cried. And I cried. And I cried.

My husband went from anger of not knowing what I was mad about. It started with insecurity of what I was about to say. But I had no words. I just cried. Then his emotions got calm to just wanting to find out what was wrong with me. But I only cried. He ended up realizing just how hurt I was. He didn’t know what, he just felt it. So then he just got real close and held me.

And I just silently cried. And he held on. He just held on to me in silent and I just cried. I think I cried for shit that happened years ago. I cried for how unfair life has felt. I cried for the day-to-day stuff I’ve had to suck up. For all the times, I said nothing out of sparing feelings. Hell I cried for the beatings I didn’t give. I just cried.

Then there was the morning after. Of course, I woke up with puffy eyes. But my soul, my soul was squeaky clean. My heart was regulated. I was new. Brand new. And it felt so good.

My husband didn’t ask about it. Nor did I confess. There was nothing to tell. It’s hard to explain details of multiple events and how they can rush into your reality without your invitation. And how it all started. I wasn’t sure. But those tears were so well needed. Even though…I hate to cry.

Maybe you are like me, don’t like to show your emotions. You try so hard to be strong. But there comes a time when you have to let it out. Voluntarily or involuntarily, like that experience was for me. It’s good to release and let it out.

Thanks for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

Competition of 1