There is a picture or meme going around again here lately and of course I have some thoughts on it. The premise of the discussion is based on rather the lack of a legal union (marriage) prevents a couple from actually being considered married. For those that haven’t seen it, here it is:

To make it simple, a marriage is legally form. No different than a license that gives you the permission to operate a vehicle. No different than a doctor’s license to perform medical duties. I’m just making it plain. If you drive a car without a license nothing stops you from doing this besides a police. But we all know people that drive illegally.

So with that being said…we all know people who live like they are married and do all the married things but legally are not. That’s it. I don’t care if it’s a piece of paper from a white man. This reason always confuses me because they white men have to follow this rule as well. SMH

Anywho…to read the comments surrounding that picture, I had thoughts that weren’t really discussed. And sometimes it’s hard to have such discussions without offending others. And that is never my goal to offend so let me explain the thoughts this evoked for me.

Well, prior to me getting married many years ago, I fell into the trap of a “no title necessary” relationship like many others. This relationship was supposed to be a commitment but just without titles or labels of girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever the titles are these days. So we were just “friends” and we held that title for some time.

Of course, I couldn’t admit it out loud to anyone but I wanted the title. YES, the title meant something to me. It would give me claiming rights essentially and the feeling that he was mine and we were serious and essentially committed to each other. But to him, he didn’t want to “complicate” things with a title. In hindsight, I now know that to mean, he didn’t want to play by ALL the rules that went with a relationship and after we ended (I guess stopped being special friends), he told me as such. He said that the titles caused him to have to answer all my questions. Basically he had to answer to me with a title and that isn’t what he wanted…that was too complicated.

Fast forward to that picture. Most of the comments were from women claiming to be happy with their live-in boyfriends and no one needed a piece of paper to be married. Ok. But what I felt resembled my own past situation. Just a prolonged situation.

I began to wonder how the ladies really felt. Are they really happy or do they want to be married but he says marriage is too complicated? Does he answer to her or is she on eggshells when she has to address an issue with him in fear of him leaving? Can they have a disagreement and she still feel confident in the relationship? Or is she on his string and her preference to have a man is far greater than addressing her true feelings? Is this what she really really wants? Or is she settling?

Listen! I am not trying to offend anyone. That is exactly where I was at one time. I was so independent that comments had shattered my relationship “worth.” I had been told that I was doing too much. No one would want me with an Avalanche truck on 24in wheels. I had been told that I made too much money that I’d intimidate him. So when a guy didn’t run, I just accepted his rules. Real talk.

First step in all of this is to admit what we really want. For about 2 years, I was fake to my true wants and requirements! Has this continued…into a party of 4 (kids involved), mortgages, bank accounts, bills, etc without a marriage license? Seems like it. But I could be wrong. But I could also be right.

I really hope I’m wrong. At the end of the day, I’ll tell anyone to not settle. If you want a relationship with ALL strings attached, you can have it. My situation was totally different. I didn’t have kids involved so I could accept the fake breakup after questioning him (which he considered a bold me by the way) and me walk away. That’s not everyone’s situation and I’ll never judge the decision of a mom trying to do what’s best for her child. So many variables here.

But what shouldn’t be taken from the equation is what you desire and want. I wanted the titles and once I got honest about that, I got the titles. I opened myself to allow the man of my dreams to come in. And he did and we’ve been married for 10 years now. And you (if this situation describes you) can have that too!

Thanks for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

Competitionof1