I Have a Son (So Many Questions Part 2)

I am black. I have a son too. When I hear of other black mothers having to bury their sons; like the rest of us, I’m scared shitless for my own. Scared that my very own son can grow up and be misunderstood simply because he has brown skin, the wrong color of skin, damaged skin. Disliked or even hated, just because his skin darkened as he baked in my oven.

Scared that he will be misunderstood based off of a stereotype that preceded him before the wheels came to a stop or before he opened his mouth to articulate himself. As soon as they saw his damaged skin, overcooked skin, his black skin; they’d know he was up to no good. My son.

My son up to no good one day. This is my baby that the teacher just said so many good things about. The Monday before Halloween, James and I met at our kids school for their parent-teacher conferences. Prior to the conference, his teacher had never sent home a bad note. Usually we get at least one note a year which isn’t bad. Since there hadn’t been any notes, we were interested in what she thought of our son. Maybe she was shy about sending them seeing that he is one of her first students. Well, she had nothing but great things to say about my Punkin Pie (my personal nickname for him).

The one comment that made my heart swell; she said he was very kind. “Trey is a helper. He helps his friends when they need it, he picks up things to help me out and he even is nice to the kids that have a little harder time making friends. He checks on them and will befriend them.” It took everything out of me to not cry in front of his teacher as she talked about my baby. I guess this is why the tears are coming now. I didn’t get a chance to release them on that day. #proudmom

My son is kind. This is a characteristic I can personally tag him with too. He is kind and caring. He tries to take care of me and his sister with that same kindness and caring spirit. So to hear that he is also expressing those same traits in the schoolhouse that he shares at home, it makes me proud. But he has another characteristic that he expresses that scares me to my core.

Trey always HAS to explain himself. If we are accusing him of being mean to his sister (hey he’s a kid, he can be kind and mean in the same day…LOL). Or if we are correcting his behavior, Trey has to explain himself. You may think that that’s normal. Well, it could be but once we have told him to stop talking more than once, then he has lost his privilege of expressing himself. But instead, Trey is on repeat of his version of events until he thinks we have understood his side of the story.

At age 8, in the comfort of his home, it’s okay (not really but) or it’s safe (not really but); at best he will receive a punishment of not playing his video game, going to bed early, being fussed at, and on very rare occasions a pop on his backside for not shutting his mouth after we’ve warned him. But at age 18, if he is stopped by the police, his punishment could easily be the ultimate punishment…death. So I feel like it’s my job now to teach my son (until he gets it) that he can’t keep talking once authorities/teachers/police have told him to stop talking. At that point, he needs to just listen and do what he is told.

I’m sure someone with perfect skin (those that scream WELL JUST OBEY THE LAW) is reading this and thinking to themselves:

If you parent your kids correctly, he wouldn’t continue to talk back after you’ve told him to hush up.
That’s your fault for not being good parents.
He’s bad and needs to be punished like the rest of them.
That’s just how y’all are. Aggressive and argumentative.

If this is you, what about your son? Has your son ever done this? Has your son always gotten good reports from the school? If we are using stereotypes here ma’am or sir, it is your son that is not only talking back to you at age 8, he is also yelling at you. But you sit there and want to judge the behavior of my son without any regard to the behavior of your own? Damaged skin or perfect skin, ALL kids are disobedient from time to time. Some more than others; yet if the child has brown skin, his behavior is unforgiven. His behavior is often met with hostility. His behavior must be punished and he must be punished severely only because his skin is damaged. Bishop Jakes said it best, “You want mercy for your child but when it comes to mines, you want justice.”

My son’s skin is damaged because his skin is black. I’m fictitiously saying its damaged because for the life of me, I’ll never understand why one would look at this black skin and frown. Why would this skin cause us to be disrespected and hated? Why would anyone fear this skin? It’s just skin. We do the same things as those with perfect skin. We want the same things. We want to enjoy life, enjoy our families, and live to a ripe old age and enjoy our grandkids. But who we really are is never understood or given a fair chance because the color of our skin.

I have a son. He goes to a predominantly white school. He has many close friends that are white. He spends the night with his friends and some stay over our house as well. It is the cutest thing to watch them play. Yet, I’m still afraid that one day, he will be with his white friends, but he will be treated differently. It scares the life out me to think he will be questioned more, he will be wrestled to the ground, he will…

Maybe Dana Fletcher was trying to explain himself. I mean when you see the video, he is just sitting in the van and you can see that he was talking and using his hands as he talked, like we all do. Maybe when they started questioning him, he knew if they heard his explanation, they’d let him and his family go. Chances are great, the officers are like me and my husband; we don’t want to hear it, hush son and go sit down somewhere. Now, I’m imagining that to be my son in that seat, trying to explain his side of things. Since he doesn’t move, they command the dog to attack him, and then they get frustrated and sick of repeating themselves. Then…

I have a son. I love him. And I am scared for him.