Ok I have to share. Now I am a strong believer of forgiving AND forgetting. Yes, forgetting. Forgiveness is a charge from God. But forgetting is the next level of His glory. We all know that forgiving is about us because of the power we regain when we are able to say “even though you hurt me, I forgive you and I won’t hold it against you. We can move forward.” But you see many of us forgive but don’t forget.

Forgetting does not mean your mind will never recall up the situation. Doesn’t mean you will never receive a reminder. But what it does mean is that when those thoughts enter your mind, there will not be any feelings attached. Think about it. We may forgive someone but when the reminder surfaces, we get angry all over again as if it just happened. If it’s a close family member, we may get mad and start reacting towards them either by not speaking to them or by starting an argument. Get quiet for the entire day leaving them to not even know what has transpired. A day or two may pass by and you finally tell them what was wrong but you’re yelling, tears or even an argument. Yes you forgave them in order to restore the relationship…but you didn’t forget!

Forgetting takes place over time as it takes practice. After the first couple of times doing the above you eventually get to the point where you can stare at the mistress and smile. Forgetting takes place when you can take a meal to those stupid neighbors (well that’s how you refer to them…not by name but the stupid folks across the street) and check on them occasionally to be sure they don’t have to worry about cooking and they are alright during their grief. Forgetting takes place when you can delicately bath your ailing mother in law after years of not being adequate enough for her family. Forgetting takes place when you can pray nightly for your mean boss when they are facing a health crisis. Now that’s forgiving and forgetting.

Well, I knew I had forgiven my friend for a fallen out we’d had and I harbored no ill feelings towards her so I thought I’d forgotten. But through my journey of doing God’s business, I heard a message that in order to get to where God has planned for you, you have to make sure all wrongs are made right. If there are relationships that have gone unhealed, you must set them straight. Well, that can’t be for me, can it? Let’s evaluate this for a second because I’m good. I’m over it. Do you and the long lost friend talk? No but I’m good on that, we don’t have to talk. Right? Well…

About 1 year and 7 months ago, I had a big fight with a really close friend. Not one of these FB friendships or these fly by night friends. Me and this chick had been friends since our junior year in college. I had just transferred back home to attend the illustrious Jackson State University. We met and clicked instantly and started hanging out. Well over the years we realized we had so much in common. I mean she was the friend the family knew and considered family as well. We shared everything eventually with one another. If there was a secret to be known about me, she knew it. We didn’t live in the same state but that meant nothing because we emailed and texted each other almost everyday and through out the day. This was my Ace.

Well if you know anything about me, I’m the type of person that if something needs to be said and we are friends, well guess what? I have to be the one to tell you. No ugly outfits, boogers in nose, or makeup looking like you died around me. And so of course, I also felt inclined to discuss the dark and ugly if necessary. So that is what I did. I’m not like most folks that lie to their friends to keep the friend. So I actually thought I was being a friend but it blew up in my face and we argued like none other. I mean we went there. Before we could stop ourselves we began throwing jabs…those secrets, the ugly ones started flying out. Yep we went there and then it was over. Have a good life…

We haven’t talked since then. I had actually blocked her from my FB account, that’s how deep it had gotten. Not a part of my life then you don’t need to see my life is what I thought. I actually thought I would go to the grave without ever talking to this person I shared so much with, my friend. Well God had another plan. A few weeks ago, my husband started it. He made a statement one day like “you need to call that girl.” Then a week or so later he would mention her again. This whole time from his first statement she would cross my mind like almost daily. What is this God? You talking to me? Forget her.

But then I heard that message of reconciliation one day and I just knew what I had to do. How to do it, I didn’t know. Then out of the blue, one night before bed I sent her a FB inbox message. Basically revealed what made me contact her and then I just…I just apologized for (catch this) not for what I said but admitted that my approach was all wrong. You see you may be right but how you go about it, is all wrong. Communication is important but the approach can be detrimental if not done correctly.

First off, I didn’t take it to God in advance. This is something I do a lot with counseling employees, disagreeing with my boss…you see I learned how to do it at work but had been failing at incorporating this in my home life. So I didn’t handle this situation well. Crazy how it took this long to admit this. So I decided that I needed to make this situation right again but what if she doesn’t want to hear from me, what if her response is nasty, what if…girl hush, God said do it, so you obey and don’t worry about the rest. So what if she doesn’t respond positively, y’all haven’t talked in all this time so obviously you will go on as usual. Better to obey than harp of the what ifs.

Well I can tell you this, her response floored me. She was happy to hear from me. Thanked God that I had the confidence to step out. Said that our fall out was one of her worse experiences. Wait what. She is glad that I wrote her? So she missed us too? I mean let’s be real here for a second. For over a year, my outlet was gone. How can you start another one when that one had been in place 15 years. All inside jokes resided with her. All funny phrases started with her. If I wanted to vent about my husband, I didn’t have to begin from the beginning as she was there the entire time and understood all of my quirks and shortcomings. She knew how to calm my spirit and get me crunk. All of this was lost for so long. Will it ever be the same? Hell I don’t know but it feels good to have that behind me and her number back in my phone. To hear her voice, sounding like what it sounds like. Hahahahaaa. I am still not believing this. Pinch myself so I can wake up.

So hear is the challenge. Who do you need to “make up” with? Don’t roll your eyes at me. Answer the question. Who? And just because you think you did the right thing doesn’t mean you did. Just because what you said wasn’t wrong…doesn’t mean you were right. . This was a hard lesson to learn. Took me almost two years. How long has it been for you? Do you think about them often? Was it even worth the fight? Now that I think about it more, I’m a little disappointed in myself in hindsight. What was said…had nothing to do with me yet I felt the need to say it because I thought I was protecting her only to become the person she needed protecting from…with my not carefully thought of, un-prayed for approach that I took.

Thank you for your attention. Remember you are your own competition.

Competitionof1